How to make Maggi Khardi Style

The single most memorable culinary expirience of my life.

That's a picture of me grinding the pepper. Notice the sticky thing on my forehead. also notice the carrots and the capsicum. Also notice the expression on my face. Here is the story behind the whole godforsaken thing:-

A bunch of us got together in this godforsaken little place well into nothingness, and this is how really hungry people made Noodles (referred to as Maggi, for some weird reason.)


4 packets of Hakkah noodles

5 Capsicums

1 Slightly Rotten Capsicum



1 Cup Pepper

Soy Sauce

Chilli Sauce



1 Old bartan with a dead spider sticking to it

1 Blunt Butter Knife

1 Pair of scissors

1 Knife

1 Peeler

4 Katoris

1 Thingy to flatten chapatis with

1 Cup/Lota

1 Can

4-5 marble tea coasters

Step I: Start with the carrots

Learn to peel the carrots. Its pretty easy, its the angle that counts, and you do it in long swipes instead of short quick rolls over the carrot. Of course, if you are a cook, this will be pretty damn obvious, but FUCKING REMEMBER YOUR FIRST TIME. As long as you dont gorge yourself in the stomach, you are good to go. Make strips NOT small circles, but small circles for the pointy end will do. Making some large circlular pieces for sake of variety will also do, but not too many of them. Out of boredom, making small pieces of the strips is also allowed. Steal the carrots when they are raw, that's when they taste the best.

Step II: Move on to the Capsicums

Try cutting with the butter knife, probably wont work, so start using scissors and making long strips of the whole thing. Pretty neat little trick actually, only you need to get out the whole bunch of seeds and shit in the middle, because it just looks ugly.

Step III: Meanwhile, have someone cut up the mushrooms.

Its simple, make quaters of it from the top if the mushrooms are small. If they are not, cut slices of it from the top and move sideways. They are really soft, so handle with care, and dont crumble them.

Step IV: Also, have two others work on the garlic

The garlic needs to be crushed. Since there is almost nothing to get this done properly, remember your dysfunctional love lives, get up all the anger the disturbed hormones can muster, and crush away to glory, for the sake of feeding your empty stomach. There is still time to eat the carrots, and have a go at the raw noodles as well. It won't last much longer now.

Step V: The Pepper

YOU DO NOT EAT NOODLES WITHOUT FINELY GROUND PEPPER. Remember that... so get everyone working on it... we had like six at one point of time. Use anything in the vicinity to crush the pepper, then hand it over to the guy with the roti-flattener (is it called an ironing rod? I donno) to grind it into fine powder. Use the tea coasters and the katoris if needed. This is the most time consuming phase of the entire operation. Be quick, steal some carrot with pepper, and you can go to the terrace, catch the shooting stars, and have a fag and some Olde Adventurer, which is local rum, also called tharra.

If not, you can go ahead and help make the actual noodles.

Cook the noodles in eight cups of water. Only there are no tea cups around, so use any rough measure possible, and drain out the excess water. Boil all the vegetables together and put it into the noodles. Since there are no onions, put in the garlic, and the mushrooms. Since there is a lot of it, and most of it was your hard work, use liberal amounts of the pepper.

wait for some time, because no one just starts eating now. Be very relieved that the ordeal is over. Light a fag, pour out a peg of olde adventurer, and go to the terrace anyway, because the hakka noodles is bad.

Come back down in the middle of the night, and realise how hungry you were, and thats when the garlic would have soaked, the pepper would have calmed down or something, and most of it ends up within you before you have a clue.


Anonymous said…
I get the rest of it... but why the dart? Other than for dramatic effect... peppers?