Monday, April 11, 2011

I killed a unicorn and I liked it.

Suppose you saw an angel, and you foregathered that it was made of, say circuit boards, or some obscene mixture of exotic particles, or an elaborate clockwork machine, would you consider it as an assault on the sacred status of the being? Would you regard it as just another imperfection to exploit for your own use?

It matters not. I liekd a unicorn, loved it evan (how can anyone not love a unicorn?) and I killed it. In cold blood. Purposely if you will. Maybe I can explain why I did that, maybe you will even understand why. You may have seen many unicorns in your tiem, but this one wuz different. The hair had cells that glowed and could change colours, liek the chamaeleon hippocampus. The mane and the tail cycled through the hues of the rainbow when it ran. Every time the unicorn jumped, it would get so happy that it would celebrate by pooping a rainbow from that magical area below its tail. It wuz pretty fun to keep making the unicorn jump just to see it poop the rainbow, but unfortunately, it could jump just once in mid-air. It wuz not a Pegasus you know. Apart from jumping, the only thing the unicorn evar did, because it was so perfect, was to go full retard and dash. A dashing unicorn is a sight to behold. Its at the head of a bright, clear rainbow, as if leaking in from another universe where light is moar radiant. The unicorn would turn pure white, appearing as a negative shadow at the head of a jet of rainbow. Yes, in unicornland, rainbows begin, and rainbows begin where the unicorn is dashing.

Now who would have the heart to kill such a beautiful creature? Well, keeping a unicorn alive in unicornland is not really that easy. The landscape is made of shades of pink, purple and fushcia that not evan the editor of Vogue can name. But all of this is a decoy, because there are frequent pitfalls. You let your unicorn fall into one of them, and it fucking breaks its neck. Into two. Im not evan kidding. The unicorn are pretty fragile creatures, and one fall is liable to shatter it liek china. This is becuz most of the land floats as little bits in the sky, and also because unicorns are held together by really weak matter. The sky itself is a brilliant shade of blue with almost fluffy blobs of violet clouds from which waterfalls spout all the way to the ground far below. In unicornland, you are just on some level, and there are many, many bits of land both above and below you no matter where you are. They say there might be no surface in unicornland at all, but a bottomless pit, where unnamed bone/china/circuit breaking horrors lie, that no one has seen.

It’s a strange place, unicornland, and there are forms of life in it that are utterly alien to the human psyche. Take the fairies for example, they live all over unicornland. Every floating bit of land has one fairy on it, guarding it from imaginary enemies. The fairies seem to derive some magic out of the land, they just bob about, floating upwards and downwards all day but remaining in the same average position. They are transient beings indeed, and act as a hive. They say that all fairies is the same single entity manifesting itself in different places and at different times. They are the food of the unicorns, but even the prey-predator behavior is strange in unicornland. Please, do not consider unicorns to be one of those measly meat eaters. A unicorn may not be a herbivore, but it has no instincts to attack, kill or maim. The fairies also, have no instincts to flee, they stand their ground as a unicorn rushes towards them and gobbles them up. A little while after a unicorn has passed, in the same space where the fairy used to be, a new one appears, fading in from the thin air. Apart from the fairies, and unicorns, the only other creature in unicornland are stars. No not those stars that hang out in outer space and have spectacular tidal disruption events evary now and then. Thoese are gobs of exotic matter, that are hardly stars. The stars in unicornland fall from the sky, and don’t even make a crater in the ground. There is no intertia here, no gravity, no dust evan. The stars land perfectly, as if they were dragged and dropped into place. Each star is a perfectly formed diamond, five pointed, with pretty round corners, a nice ridge running through the middle of all the arms, as a jewel, with facets in sharp relief and in dark silver. A unicorn can destroy a star, but if, and only if a human makes it dash through one. When a unicorn and a star come across each other, either the unicorn can dash through it, destroying it, or jump over it, and let it be. Now maybe I will later present an argument on why stars should be left alone for no reason other than they exist, but this is about the unicorn, and keeping it alive in this land of stars and fairies. I wuz a mere human, I had the power to make a unicorn dash, and I would make it dash through all the stars. It was only after a bit of introspection that I realized that in an alien world, there will be alien rules, and that I am probably doing a very bad thing by destroying all those stars without thinking about the consequences. I took a path of peace, of non-violence, of always making the unicorn jump over the stars instead of dashing through them. Maybe I would get an award for it. I didnt.

You remember the jumping? Well despite all the joy that the unicorn takes in jumping, its dumb as a... for lack of a more apt comparison... hippocampus. You need to keep prodding the god damn thing to jump and not fall to its death, or run into a star and not dash. At this rate it would seem easy to just let damn thing die.

Whenever men meddle with otherworldly things, they have always come back wishing they had never tried it out. How many summoners have stood before flaming sigils trembling at their demons and wishing they hadn’t summond their own worst fears? How many mathematicians have stared bleary eyed at their deductions, and realized that they had proved an absolute, evan heretical falsehood? How many flying saucers with abducted people on their operation tables have tractor beamed the nekkid bacteria seething things right back to the pyramid complex? Well, that is not the case with unicorns. You just fall in love with them. No man, however badass he thinks himself to be, can go to unicornland and not lose himself utterly. Chuck Norris, for example, would not have the heart to round house kick a unicorn. Rajnikanth would prolly be first in line to ride one. And even Samuel L Jackson’s “imma motherfucka” face would break into a smile, perhaps even a private, shy one. Kratos would topple a hundred pantheons just to protect a unicorn. Even Putin would resist shooting it down and instead opt for merely tranquilizing it and a press op. You or me, we would have little choice in the matter.

You see, the simple truth is that there are a rare few entities that justify their existence by doing nothing more than existing. Unicorns belong to this very select category. And for a while, I fell in love with the stars as well. This is what led to the incident where I ended up killing my unicorn. It was a spectacular kill, mid air and all, pooping the brightest fucking rainbow you haz nevar seen, two jumps already down and a star came up. And I thought wut the hell. There are no rules in unicornland amirite? Big shit if I kill this thing once. Lets just stand up for the star now. It broke its neck, poor thing. The unicorn, not the star. The head went flying, and arced through the low-gravity sky, in absolute defiance of evary physics. It came down smoothly, and I saw the most horrible sight in my life. While alive, a unicorn is whole ,you would not evan suspect what is beneath its skin. Remember wut I said about the stuff that made up an angel at the start? Well, yeah I could see wires and ducts and bits of sparkling electricity from the broken head. It mattered not if the unicorn was a robot, or prolly a cyborg. What mattered was that those beautiful, white crystal eyes were crying, crying real tears, tears of some ethereal blue substance that radiated sadness, crying because the unicorn was dead, and it was my fault. A beheaded one horned horse head shedding tears is not a great sight. The mane had frozen, a steady rainbow pattern no longer cycling through the colours. I dont wish anyone would see it. It was a torrent of blue teardrops, falling in steady rhythm, like grains of sand in an infinite hourglass.

The sight of the severed head of a unicorn shedding tears hardened my guts. Ok I will gives you protip. Fuck stars. Stars are evil. Given two equally powerful, gods, it would be wise to choose one, and fuckign haet the other. I chose the path of violence. Not exactly violence, but I didn’t care if I killed the odd star just so that my unicorn would live to poop another rainbow. And did I evan tell you? Unicorns have three lives, that one kill was to-tally worth it.

The rules of future cinema

Rule 1: Aniticpation is boring. Move on. Move quickly. We dont liek mysteries. Give uz the action. In every frame if possible, and in HD.
Rule 2: We dont care if you make sense or not. Please try not to make sense, if possible. If you do make sense, at least dont expect us to care.
Rule 3: Intensity puts us off. If you do need to get intense, save it all up for the climax, and dont drag it. Refer to Rule 1.
Rule 4: We liek moar of the same thing. Over and over again. A joke nevar gets old. Really. However, Refer to Rule 5.
Rule 5: Throw away your bag of tricks, gimmicks and flashy stuff. we haet all of that. Keep it original. If you have no original content, STFU.
Rule 6: Get an indie experimental electronica band to compose the soundtrack. Use a lot of artificial and/or synthesized aural simulation as cues and hints for the narrative, as against natural sounds.
Rule 7: Keep the framing loose, jerky and constantly moving. If you have a steady frame, or anything that Kubrick would frame, we are going to go to sleep. Immideately.
Rule 8: Snap it short on the timelien. We want short, crisp cuts. Quick and dirty scenes. Refer to Rule 1.
Rule 9: We are all goldfish in human form. We tend to be very forgetful. Keep it simple. Stupid.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Same thing

This guy was a crazy lunatic. He was drunk for sure, and high on things that were probably from a parallel universe. No one knows for sure. They say it was for a bet, they say he got so happy that he was done with life, they say he was just a crazy lunatic. He just jumped from the terrace during a party, and that was that.
So a guy at the party looking on had whipped out his phone just to record this guy. He plays back the video of the jump, frame by frame and stops at one where the guy's feet have just escaped the building, and no time left for second thoughts. He thinks about how the guy took that decision and just went for it. He cant help admiring the fact that that dude just let it all go in the spur of the moment. He captioned it "Alpha as fuck" and posted it on a message board.
Theres this guy just getting to the party that night, and he was below the building. He looks up to see a well lit terrace and crazy lights all over the place. So he whips out his camera for a shot, and before he knows it theres a commotion and some guy jumps out of the terrace and into his field of view. He clicks as a reflex action, because of how excited he is. Then he scampers the fuck out of the way. He sees the body. Thinks about what a waste of life it is and how BAWWWW he must have been to just let his life go. He captions the photo "beta as fuck" and posts it on a message board.
Tro story, bro.

PS moral of the story: things look better when seen from above as against being seen from below


1. Indian people who think Afridi dissed India hate Afridi
2. Indian people who think Afridi defended India in Pakistan love Afridi
3. Indian muslims who think Afridi stood up for them in India love Afridi
4. Indian muslims who think Afridi insulted Indian muslims by saying that Hindus can never relate or whatever hate Afridi
5. Hindus who dont liek Muslims, and haet Afridi and Pakistan for no reason
6. Cricket fanboys who hate Pakistan as a team and see them as a rival, who hate Afridi
7. IPL fanboys who want Afridi to be a part of the Indian cricket extravaganza, love Afridi
8. Cricket afficianados who admire Afridi as a player and liek his eccentricity and his BOOM BOOM love Afridi
9. People in Pakistan who hate India, and who think Afridi supported India, hate Afridi
10. People in Pakistan who like India (lolwtf?) or just think its unhealthy to feed hate in tweets and who think Afridi supported India, Like Afridi
11. People in India who think Afridi dissed India and still love Afridi
12. People in Indian media who think Afridi dissed the Indian media and hate Afridi
13. People in Kashmir who want to show on twitter their undyling love for Afridi as a political gesture
14. People from India and Pakistan who don't liek Afridi because he appears to be such a two-faced hippocritical bitch
15. People who just love Afridi before any of this happened
16. People who just hate Afridi before any of this happened

but wait, there is even fukken more

17. Tweeple in Pakistan who liek Afridi and have gotten all excited because he is trending
18. Tweeple in India who just want to use the hashtag to boost their reads and follows

fuck I can go on and on I think I got the important sides tho

PS one moar
19. People who hate Afridi because their favorite Celebs on Twitter dissed Afridi

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