Thursday, June 28, 2007

Mumbo Jumbo


Jambo ! Jambo Bwana ! Habari gani ? Nzuri sana !

So the elephant (ok, technically, a Mamalodian) trundled down watter slippery slopes its ancestors used to tumble down. It would soon die because of the tumble. It was the heart of Africa, in a time when spring was churning beneath a long ice winter. No not the ice age. At least, not the recent one in popular consciousness. It was another great flood, even before that. Back in the days of the Mamalodions. Ok, Mamalodion is to Mastadon what Mammoth is to Asian Elephant.
Now the Mamalodion, was umm... ok, just a big jolly old thing with hairy ears and stuff, but it was facing a difficulty in surviving. This was because the planet was ruled by apes. No really, just apes, before mankind like gets extinct and the apes supposedly take over. That is just a theory proposed, what already happened is that we descended from the apes. That's speaking metaphorically, like we evolved from the apes, they didn't just give birth to us. Yeah, there is a difference, each generation thought they were giving birth to themselves, but every generation changed a bit. Like they started with sticking sticky sticks into deep holes to see if ants would get stuck to it on the way out. Anteaters have a natural ability to do this with their tongues, and hence have not evolved to using microchips. Only the Raptors have done it before.
But it started with just that, a sticky stick stuck into a deep hole. Now deep holes had a surprising number of things in them. The apes of the time of the Mammalodian were still more ape than human. See, sometimes, it is just difficult to say if you are talking about man or ape in particular time periods. To be specefic, a human specimen from this time period has been missing from a long time. No one has found that piece of fossil evidence which would actually bridge the gap between man and monkey. This is not really necessary to prove that men evolved from monkeys, at least, according to most people who believe in evolution. In fact, many have gone ahead and proclaimed apes to be humans, and many early humans to be apes. In fact, after Darwin came around and suggested the idea, people rediculed him by calling him of ape descent. That is, unfortunately, exactly what Darwin wanted. So people have confused humans to be apes, and apes to be humans. Bigfoot and Yeti romp about in remote locations, some people retain fetishes for excessive body hair, and sometimes, bang in the middle of nowhere, there emerge creatures like Humanzees.
The mamalodion slipped on the mud formed under the melting ice, and slowly creeped down the gradual slope, right to a small herd of pre-humans on what would eventually be the banks of the Zambezi. The frostbite had eaten past the layers of flesh long ago. The pre-humans were afraid of it. The corpse they new, would soon stink and spread disease. The only agent of the spread of the disease they understood was the smell. They honestly believed, in their primitive minds, that the smell of rot itself was the cause of physical changes in their bodies, including those that made them retch, cough or pass out.
When they were ill, they believed, that through their noses, a spirit of death, posessed them, that drove their bodies to convolutions, and eventually death. They can be forgiven for such a thought, even forgotten. In fact, we may still, seriously believe, that people can be posessed by spirits. You can imagine the terror in the eyes that watched frostbite seeping into the corpse of the dead creature. Life was harsh in this period, one slip and you could become fossil fuel.
What happened next can be interpreted by primitive minds as an act of god, and by advanced minds as a random co-incidence. Here's the deal, its already history, its in the past none can change, so deal with it. Lightning struck a tree and it caught fire.
The humans, did not run away howling in alarm like a few ancestors before them would have done. The impulse was very much alive in most of them. Only the older pre-humans shouted in alarm. The made primitive noises of disgust. Trill with your tongue the air that comes out in a shoooooo....
Withdraw... do not venture further, return. That was the meaning of the call. The younger pre-humans dared to go where no pre-human had. They too, thought of stopping in their tracks, but hadn't expirienced life enough to actually do it. They stood their ground and gazed unto the burning tree.
And it flickered. And it burnt. The branches, the leaves, the aerial roots, all caught fire. Trees, allowed to grow wantonly, had matured for long and hard. These were the very heralds of the rain forests, for they were yet to spread life to the earth. These were the mothers of the trees of the first spring in living memory. These were the mother trees of Eden itself.
And one tree was burning. And the pre-humans, could sense the warmth in their skin. For as long as their instincts could remember, they knew of nothing but ice. They had felt nothing but cold. They had stuffed snowsoil into their mouth, and digested the grubs inside to survive. The only thing between their skin and the ice age was their hair. Clothes, were still to be designed. The heat was a new sensation for them. It was a curiosity. The male pre-humans thawed so much, that they even got involuntary erections. They were drawn to the fire, their very bodies demanded it. Those who were old, recalled of old warnings of fire spirits, anything to bright was considered harmful. The sun was a constant reminder. Every other light was a mere sliver compared to the sun. The sun slipped down to earth from between the branches, from between the openings of the cave, and even underwater. So the pre-humans had reasoned that any light had somehow slipped through there from the sun. That too, can be forgiven. Those who were old, followed suit to, protected behind the young ones.
Eventually, the herd gathered around the tree, and watched, as large parts of it fell... fell on the mammoth. The humans went to sleep, comfortably positioned around the fire, slowly made drowsy and comfortable by the dancing shadows as living flesh churned out the oils necessary to fuel the fire that burnt it - on the Mamalodion.

The next day was the first day of spring. The clouds cleared. The eagles ventured out. The Zebu searched for their lost ones. The Sabretooth tigers rested in their high perches. The Archeopterixi screeched in the blue sky laden with white clouds that had caught the early morning gold of the rising sun. The pre-humans saw a large spiral of smoke rise into the sky. They thought the fire had killed the evil spirits of the Mamlodion, and vice-versa. What happened next was unprecedented in human history. No one had expected the spirits to duel in such a manner, and both end up defeated. The fire had spread everywhere again, there were no shadows to block it. It was afterall, day. Humans, for the first time, were unafraid of animal flesh. And they were hungry. They were used to shoving anything remotely digestable into their tummies. Only, they had nothing to tear the meat into small enough pieces to actually do this. The entire herd started making all kinds of efforts, some tried beating it with rocks, others tried poking it with sticks, yet others just bit in with their mouths, and some searched for particularly tender spots to eat into... these ended up at the anus and the genitelia.
It didn't matter really, everyone ended up being full in their stomach, and everyone rested peacefully for another night. The next day, the foul spirits won, and they all came to their senses, and didnt eat any more of it. Ok, one deviant tried, and died a few days after that. That was fine really, according to the herd. He was old and fat, and had a lot of meat on him. Pity they couldn't eat him... though someday, someone would invent fire.

If you were given a piece of roasted human meat, would you eat it? Ad gurus use this:

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