OId My Document Files part VIII

Wrote this for a local newspaper called limelight... died down soon enough, but am still finding this childish (NOT kiddish) and amusing


The life of a monster

With due thanks to a friend for suggesting this topic, and by which I am not sarcastically implying that he has had experience in such matters.
A 'monster' is any creature that refuses to die unless helicopters and missiles are brought in, in a Hollywood movie or a Bollywood b-grade flick. Such monsters can be classified into giant scary seemingly indestructible spiders, giant scary seemingly indestructible snakes, giant scary seemingly indestructible lizards, giant scary seemingly indestructible aliens, giant scary seemingly indestructible somewhat cute monkeys and giant scary seemingly indestructible moving live jelly. Dracula doesn't count (pun intended). Live puppets and werewolves don’t count either. It would have been really nice if I could have come up with and intended pun for those too…
Let us consider the life of another typically average boring monster. Here are its life stories if it was to live in Hollywood and then in one of the movies that Mithun dada releases every two months.
Hollywood thriller: An asteroid from (obviously) outer space creates a small unnoticeable crater in the middle of the remotest smallest most insignificant US owned island in the Pacific. Some exotic local fauna (ELF) comes to investigate and is suddenly possessed by microorganisms that survived in the asteroid. If that were not enough, the remnant radiation from an atomic test nearby also reaches the ELF (please read exotic local fauna, not elf) and some mutations take place transforming it into super ELF, a giant scary seemingly indestructible ELF. Now, super ELF cannot stay quietly in the remotest smallest most insignificant US owned island in the Pacific.
Something draws super ELF to a fairly populated town to which the movie director is closest in location to (the budget is really hampered by all the special effects you know, so its better to travel to the closest big town). So super ELF will go around the Pacific into New York even if Los Angeles is closer. The fishermen in Panama will create chaos when the super ELF passes through their humble waters. It will create ripples of fear in the local towns, but no big thing. Panaman locals are illiterate fools. They're making the whole thing up to draw tourists. So super ELF goes mostly unnoticed into the Atlantic, goes into Manhattan and then the boring stuff begins.
To put the thing in one (OK, somewhat long) sentence, super ELF creates havoc in the city, goes climbs some buildings destroys more, makes the hero meet the heroine, kills the sidekick, goes into hiding, destroys a few more buildings when discovered, the army comes in and finally, it gets killed due to the heroics of well, the hero.
Oh, on the way, super ELF kills a few more sidekicks, to show its power. Actually, one cannot put it in one sentence, a lot of things happen on the way. Super ELF has to tread on some cars, and go one on one with the late twin towers. It also has to sustain some bullets and shells and rockets and missiles and what not till the hero discovers its weak spot. And then super ELF simply has to make the woosies not already bored with the whole thing cry by killing their favorite character, which would be the heroine's dog. And then the heroine begs the hero to kill the super ELF. She does not do it after the hole in the empire state, she does not do it after half the famous Manhattan skyline is rubble. She does not do it after thousands evacuate the city. She does it after it eats her dog. Now it’s the hero Vs super ELF. He turns out to be an expert on ELFs and he knows the way to kill it, which can range from zapping electricity in its mouth to feeding it chicken lollipops. And finally, it dies. But wait! No end of story, super ELF has left behind an egg in the remotest sewer of the city, and it cracks after the credits, making way for super ELF II.
Mithun's pet: This is far more interesting than its Hollywood counterpart. For once, the creature is not affected by microorganisms from outer space or nuclear tests. It is created by a Rakshas, not to be confused with giant. It is created to plague the honest citizens of the local kingdom. The setting is old Indian time when Kings still ruled whatever bit of land they managed to cling on to. Now, the king has a big worry. Not the monster, that’s not his biggest worry, it confines itself to the forest and gobbles up every passerby who dares to venture in not heeding to his mother's sound advice, but it does not go rampaging in his town.
His real worry is marrying off his daughter, and there seems to be no one worthy for her beauty. His minister gives him an idea by which he can kill two birds with one stone and that is to proclaim that any prince who can kill the monster in the jungle can have the princess's hand in marriage. Now the mantri who advises this, has secret plans as he is the Rakshas in disguise and has total control over the creature, he wants to eliminate any competition before he can go take over the kingdom. The king however finds this idea ideal and he proclaims the proclamation. A lot of veer jawan go and never come back.
Then comes the hero, a local, a son of an ironsmith suddenly discovers his past as being carried away from a castle by an eagle who gives him to the ironsmith and the ironsmith has no aulad, so he takes care of him et cetera.
He is the prince, without the pride and is humble. Oh, by the way, the princess loves him but he's just a lohe ka son till now atleast. So he has to kill the monster for the happy ending, and he does that with the hammer. Sheer bravery and brawn. But Surprise! Mantri ka pravesh, with all jadooi powers and thermocol sets. Sword fighting, horse riding, swimming with crocs ensue, but it’s the aashirwaaad of the hero's maa that does the trick and well, do I even need to say this? - They live happily ever after.


-Aditya MJ
02 / 05 / 2003

Comments