Friday, March 09, 2007


OK... lets go. Imagine your hands are dead still... ok like really dead still. Make the tendons or ligaments in the fingers ignore the rush of the nicotine. Let this hypnotize you. This is control ok. On your hand. DEAD FUCKING STILL MAN. They are mere fingers after all. Non-organs. Shameful little things. Ignore their presence. Imagine them flowing... still but minute. Insignificant right... ignorable right? fabric like... right? like the fabric on the wings of a whispered butterfly... a butterfly long dead... even that... is DEAD FUCKING STILL.... ok... lets go... NOW imagine the fabric to contain a tiny pull of gravity... a slight tingle of weight on your fingers... its the whole wide earth, right there in that tiny little insignificant a... nothing. Now imagine your fingertips moving very very slowly. Really slow... as slow as those of a dead whispered fucking butterfly trembling in the dead still... in the eye of a hurricane.

Coffee break. Ok lighten up a bit... throw away the butterfly... phew! that's such a weight off man, I must tell you. Sorry for the abuses, people, it was necessary. A point was to be proven. But it already has been I guess... it is immaterial, in all senses of the word, so please IGNORE this as well. haha. Ok... now here is an exercise... what you need to do is, pronounce each word as it comes out of your mouth. Please pick up random vowels that you prefer at the point of the moment, and enunciate it to a certain measure higher... like the difference between the squeal of an excited pig and the squeal of an excited girl. Yes, now you are good to go. Lets try out random words ok... mosquito isabella meningitis Japanese feng shui. Right that wasn't necessary, there should have been a more intelligent selection of random words right? Actually, come to that, there should have been a more intelligent selection of vowels... you going high on the i-s right now, will be simulating, and not imagining the squeals of excited girls. How do you end up with an intelligent selection of random vowels, when asked to do so at a moment's notice? You might, subconsciously, draw up a list of random words that you happen to like, and then find out the frequency of the most used vowels... makes sense? Now obviously then, you come up with a random set of liked words by thinking about a random set of liked experiences. Right? Now every time this question is asked to you, you have a flashback to all your most liked experiences right? Stop... being hypnotized. These statistics are bullshit. You will most certainly not draw up a fucking list of favorite vowels like this! You will do it the joan-of-ark way - let GOD give you the vowels... hehe... simple. Now, really, stop being hypnotized, this was an exercise to make you stress on random vowels, if you have stopped doing it, get a grip over yourself man. Yeah so where were we... a pronunciation test... now we come to the point... call centers. Really cool place to earn cash you know. We now need to exit this portal into another dimension... of thought silly, nothing hi-fi yaar... hmmm... yeah, we were going somewhere... apparently. Ok let's go there right after you stop imagining squeals of excited girls.
Now imagine a country, where all the citizens have a plague... a deadly plague... a plague which makes them so rabid that they bite each other. My dear friends, good morning. Bureaucracy. Everybody eats off each other. More so in the private sector. Iys simple and straight and everyone knows it, but this is an experience for a brief rush... a short trip into the world of call centers.

This is the call center world. This is how it works. There is this guy who is the recruiter. He is like the guy with a vacuum cleaner... does not care what dust comes in... he devours everyone in his path... he can call ANYONE and get them to go for an interview. Anyone. Ok... now imagine a normal useless fellow whose parents are in incoming, wiling away his time, not going through his pronunciation training - everyone in the world has a totally fake accent you see... it was calculated intellectually of course, little girls and pigs were asked to recite all the possible sounds in the local language and pronunciation for a random set of words all over the world. These sounds were fed into a computer, which was payed a bribe of a fifteen terabyte per nanosecond usb port. The computer then calculated the mean of the arithmetic equivalent of the relevant data (this, was NOT the chronicler's problem), and then gave a suitable output of sounds in all the languages. Therefore, everyone in the world had a totally fake accent, but at least it was politically correct. Now in this world, every single person got irritated to death by every other person's sound. This would eventually result in dementia, hysteria, mass scuicide and silly little silent protests, but the chronicler does not wish to relate that portion of the time line at the present. At the present, we are not at the pronunciation test. So freaks, please stop irritating people in the vicinity to death.
Yes, back to the call center world, sorry for the interruption, now what is most ironical to the recruiter is that all the dust he collects, end up irritating him to death. The irritating him to death thing is taken very seriously in this world. Mr. Omabalasa (all names were average means of all other names in the planet, so everyone was named Omabalasa). It is afterall useful to know who you are speaking to in such a world. Mr. Omabalasa called called it the ITD syndrome... Everyone in the call center world, therefore, suffered from the ITD syndrome, so, you would understand, that the salary to the recruiter would have to be sufficiently spiked right? Just because his job is so risky... imagine several doses of the ITD syndrome... thank god you are not Mr. Omabalasa. Yeah but a steep hike in salary, yeah, obviously, such a risk would merit a VERY steep rise in the salary right... therefore, insignificant things can be shoved under the carpet right? You give them a teensy little more responsibility... and whisper this out... nobody comes to know.

Yeah, and THAT was what Mr. Omabalasa did right? He hit upon a plan. He was one amongst the unidentified millions... yes... it would work. A scam, all he needed was a recruiter... and he found one... and this is what they did. Over and over again. Hi. I am Mr. Omabalasa, I live in so and so area (so they'd know where to send the pickup car), I have got a degree in hypnotic vowel usage, the reshammiyan nasal oppression maneuver to disarm horny clients, and am currently training at Matrix for neolithic acting. My Mother's and father's name is Omabalasa. (Oh what a coincidence! Now way it could have happened!) My hobbies include cheating, snivelling, brazenly lying, and farting. There, that's like wow man... thats a perfect text book introduction. So now, Mr. Omabalasa has to go to the recruiter, who trains him to do the introduction, then tells him that this is always the reply to the first question. The first question, from the questioners side, was also ruled in the holy pamphlet of the cult of interviewers would always be "Tell me something about yourself".

Then the documents of the poor soul would be prepared. His contacts will give him fake ones, or the recruiter himself will... here, it must be noted, that this is a very easy thing to do actually. Everybody is Omabalasa. Things like the Resume will be instantly generated, and a list of relevant documents needed circulated. This, eventually was the same for any Resume, they had to conserve on hard disk space for more important information - there was so much to store that some of the stars in the outer galaxy were dying out. Anyway, so the resume was e-mailed to the second round guy whose assistant would take a printout and hand it over to you when you went for the interview. This is when Mr. Omabalasa, not you, go to the interview. Remember ok, not you.

Now imagine the recruiter grilling you, Mr. Omabalasa, but you have spent your formative years learning the answers. So you ace it. Which means you always get recruited. Hey, everyone has the same accent, and all they are looking for here is the language, so who will expect you to fail.

A little further down the pipeline... time line I mean, you get there being something very interesting. A break in the chain. A person who gets out... and does something that debases the world. Then you think... wow! what a great way to earn money... you give interviews for people! At a tremendous risk at GTD syndrome (Grilled to death syndrome - its like chicken pox in this world - everyone goes through it once. Yes, they get the spots) this is something that will surely work... all you do is, go out there, and like totally ace the interviews for the people who actually have to give the interviews. Your recruitment letter is anyway carefully calculated to be delivered to office located closest to the house in a manner to be economical for the pick ups and drops, the routes of which were calculated in real time, constantly changing a little here and a little there to conserve the very little fuel, mostly used for powering the massive cooling systems for the computers. The point being, you had to collect your recruitment letter from a different location than the interview. In the thousands going by, your face will not be correlated by anyone... no one will think twice about it, and especially if you are a Omabalasa. So that is what you do as work... you give fake interviews.

This trend spread. Soon, the accents were not the only thing that were fake. It rampaged through the system. Being fake. It was like bureaucracy, only a little milder. There was no exploitative malice... it was a simple matter of being fake. One generation later, the names become fake, which lead to tremendous identity crisis. Two generations later, their assholes became fake, so they became full of shit. Three generations later, their souls got fake, and their bodies were flushed away by a giant wave. A new civilisation grew, where someone had an even more damaging idea, one of competition. Those still imagining squeals of excited pigs, take a bow, you have realised yourselves.

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