Saturday, May 14, 2005

The I really need to go phase.

Aka the DAMNATION PHASE.

I will always remember these few hours as the most horrible few hours I had ever had to endure.
First you need to know what I ate yesterday:
I had a pretty nutritious diet by most standards yesterday, and this is all I remember eating…
-one packet of cream biscuits
-one packet of act II butter and pepper pop corn (meant for two)
-two cadbury’s diary milk chocolates, the five rupee ones
-one apple
-two chikoos
-dal rice with cabbage bhaji
-dal rice without cabbage bhaji
-curd rice.
All of this basically screwed me up. I had to go, and had to go hard just after Matunga. I contemplated using the now cleaned toilets at SIES back at Sion, but decided that I would endure it out. Big mistake. Past the next few stations the urge mounted till I could control it no longer. As soon as Byculla came, I got down and went to a platform running, it wa this small door with a weird sign, that turned out not to be the toilet afterall. I went to the station manager’s office on the other end o the bloody platform and asked him where the hell the toilet was. He looked at me in a very serious expression, and told me that it was on platform one. I headed over to platform one, and found the toilet. There were a load of people, and the urinal was free. But beyond the urinal, there were two toilets, with a load of dangerous looking people sitting and cracking jokes and smoking on a bench. As soon as I entered, they drove me out. Apparently they were all in queue. DAMNATION. I don’t know how I got the muscles to hold everything while patiently waiting for the train. Actually, waiting for the train damn impatiently. There was no point staying in queue. I was thirsty, and I was also sweating. So I drank a cup of Pepsi. The first of many. Then the train pulled in, I got on, and hauled me barely contained butt all the way to VT, past filthy little stations that no one but beggars use to get on and off, and endured the singing of a particularly besura beggar singing in a particularly besura tone. In those darkest hours, when bowl containment was at its toughest, I half-seriously contemplated jumping off and making it look like an accident. I was at the edge, because I was sweating like hell… but fortunately or unfortunately, there were too many stations placed too close together for the train to gather any speed. So I didn’t want to just injure myself, and have an explosion AFTER that. So I stayed on… somehow. Finally VT station came, I got off and jogged all the way to the toilet, barely containing it. I put all my belongings in my bag so that they wouldn’t fall out while I was at it. A further damnation was awaiting me. There was a queue at the VT toilet too… SHIT. But I couldn’t do that… Then The guy asked me to pay two bucks. I said I would pay it after I was done. He persisted that I should pay up before. I got out my wallet from my bag and did that. Then I waited in queue. Bent over double. One guy came out from the cubicle I was in front of. This guy to my right said that he was in queue and went in. I waiting. There was some white liquid caught in a crack. I almost vomited… before realizing it was only soap water. Someone in cubicle six was bathing. Another guy was waiting with a towel, and reading a newspaper. A few people came in and stood in line. The guy who collected the money was screaming “chalo” at the top of his voice. Hew as also screaming out cubicle numbers. Ek… do.. teen… char. Then this small, cheeky kid sitting up cuddled on the money-collectors chair said “Ganpati ka jai jai kar.” All the while… I really had to go. Then the cubicle to my right, opened, and this guy left. I grabbed it, at the same time as this man. I thought the system was first-come first serve. So I complained about him to the money collector, holding myself in the commanding position all the while. This poor guy who thought the system was grab your own cubicle and wait, was annoyed and surprised by my behavior. The coin-collector told that my system was wrong, but my system was really messed up and I got it anyway, thinking I would close the door in his face. It opened right up, and he hit me on the shoulders. I shoved his chest out, and I repeated my stance even though it was wrong. That is how I ended up having a squabble at the door’s of a public toilet in Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus. Other’s began to ask him to let go… he let go, and I closed the door. NO FUCKING BOLT TO LATCH IT. Held my hand against it, and squatted. RELIEF? Yeah right… not a bit. It did come out, but the feeling in the gut that you had to go persisted. If anything stronger than before. I contorted my intestines… but nothing came out. DAMNATION. I was properly screwed. I just sat in the public toilet, and endured all the stench. The tap was one of those that let out water from everywhere if you open it, but thankfully it did not spray it. I was clutching my bag in the other hand. Damn uncomfortable position. And the smell was overpowering. And I was sweating like hell…and nothing would come out.
The guy screamed from outside… “ek.. do… teen… char”. CHALO. I left. Nothing else to do. I got my tortured ass out of there, cooled myself in the ac outside, by standing directly beneath it, and was so distracted that I went out from the wrong exit. I still had to go… it was as if my brain was forced to remember this state forever. I began to hobble towards the cd shop, and I caught the eye of this girl. She gave a shocked expression looking at the expression I had on my face.
That’s how I found out that all the stuff I ate was bad for your love life too.
I had been to hell and back. Who said I was back?

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